Dear Hiring Manger,
Hello. My name is Kate Tully. I am 22 years old and I recently made the bold decision to move from Nashville, TN, to Boston, MA. Currently, I am seeking employment. Here are the reasons why you should vote for me for potential employee of your heart:
1) I’m very positive.
Are you having a bad day? Guess what, I’m a great listener. If listening to people talk was a major, I would have chosen that in college, but it wasn’t so I went with English instead. Tell me your problems. Let me emotionally stroke your hair as you cry in my office (I will work in a cubicle, too. Or just in a corner. I don’t even need a desk. Employ me and I’ll work from the street if you like).
Positivity radiates from my body like a repugnant odor from the armpits of a dedicated athlete (or a metaphor that is prettier but just as strong in your mind). Spilled your coffee on your new shirt? Now you get to buy a new shirt. Lost that super important document from that meeting last week? You can recreate it because you’re a super genius and I have faith in you.
More importantly, my positivity shines through not only in my work performance, but also in my daily activities. Speaking of which:
2) I love baking (and I bake when I’m stressed).
Can’t get enough of it. Peanut butter blossoms? Been there. Nutella blondie brownies? I’m your girl. Give me a recipe and watch me churn that bad boy out into edible gold. Anytime the company decides to hold a staff meeting or whenever it happens to be somebody’s birthday, I will be there with an unbelievable amount of sweet, delicious baked goods, ripe and ready to be eaten.
And when the holiday season comes, don’t be shocked when I show up to work every day with a new cookie invention in desperate need of being sampled. But that’s not the only thing I’ll bring to you this winter because as it turns out:
3) I also love knitting.
And I’ve been practicing a lot. If you hire me, I promise to make you a scarf. Give me your favorite color and I will have you a scarf with a funky pattern within the week. I’ll even let you choose if you want a long scarf or a cowl (which is a smaller, circular scarf I’d love to teach you about if you could just call me and give me an interview). While I am still in the learning phases of knitting, if you present me with a pattern that you are dying to have, I will stop at nothing to create it for you. And if my knitting doesn’t keep you entertained, you’re in luck because:
4) I will keep fun things at my desk.
“Oh, Jerry. You know what I really wish I had right now?”
“What is it, Frank?”
“Some Silly Putty. Man, I remember when Grandpa Sal gave me my first Silly Putty. I spent hours copying cartoon faces from the newspaper. Do you remember—“
“I’m gonna cut you off right there because guess what? That really cool girl Kate has Silly Putty at her desk. Hiring that kid was the BEST decision we have ever made at this particular company!”
And if all else fails,
5) I can recite Star Wars from memory for you.
I’ll act it out too.
Are we compatible? Let’s take a short test. This is a 100% certified employer-employee compatibility test I found from a totally reputable source. If you answer yes to three or more questions, we are compatible:
1) Are you hiring?
2) Do you pay money?
3) Do you think having a fun work environment is a good thing?
4) Do you think world peace sounds nice?
5) Do you like puppies?
6) Did you already say yes to one of the questions?
I’m very excited to start working for your company. Don’t hesitate to contact me with details on when and where I can interview for you. Let me know if I should just go ahead and bring brownies and a scarf.