A String of Texts With No Context

 

My mother, sister, and I share a relationship similar to that of the cast of the “Golden Girls,” except instead of living in the same house, we live in three separate states, and instead of talking about old people sex and menopause, we talk about far more interesting things.grouptext

OK, so we don’tshare that many qualities with them, but we do have a hilarious relationship, filled with uncomfortable talks about the future grandchildren, mind-bogglingly boring discussions on feminist theorists, and one unbelievably comedic group text.

Since my sister lives in Iowa, my mother resides in Tennessee, and I’m livin’ it up in Massachussets, we don’t get to see each other often, aside from national holidays and significant life events. While my sister prefers communicating by posting REALLY INTERESTING links on Facebook on a near-daily basis (love you, sis <3), my mother does not believe in creating her own social media profiles, so the majority of our conversations take place over the group text.

We share big announcements, random thoughts, and commentary on people we generally just don’t like, much like any other text interaction on my phone. This conversation, however, reads more like a stream of consciousness created by three separate brains. Some texts spark an immediate discussion, others go ignored, and seeing as how Meg discovered how to send a gif two weeks ago, several are interspersed with uncomfortable moving images from “Bob’s Burgers.”

For those of you who have always wanted to catch a small glimpse into the inner thoughts of Meg, me, or our mother, I present to you: An unabridged collection of texts from the group.

 

Creative writers are such free spirits, man. They are all wearing kangol hats.” –Mom, on a writing conference

“I think drapey pants are going to be my new thing. Like a sexy genie.” – Meg

“If he wants to know if I am mad at him the answer is FU.” – Mom

“Oh, my God. The room I’m defending in may or may not have a bat in it. That’s an omen, right?” – Meg, on her study defense

“Kate: this new guy on our Facebook – annoying.” – Mom, on additions to her News Feed

“My mouth tastes like blood.” – Kate, on the Indian food she had for lunch

— 

“Watching this ‘American Horror Story’ on narcotics is freaking me out.” – Mom, after shoulder surgery

 —

“Do you remember nasty John Smith? His current Facebook status is seriously, ‘So did anyone see a UFO last night around the West End/440 area around 8pm-ish?’” – Meg

“Paul just said he might be lactose anonymous.” – Mom

 —

“Is it common for Northern men to have their nipples pierced?” – Mom

“A midget dressed as Hulk Hogan just walked by.” – Meg

— 

“I had a dream that I was pregnant, and Kevin Costner descended from a helicopter to deliver my baby, who came out speaking in full sentences.” – Kate

 —

“Kate. Remember that gif you sent me with George Michael falling on the floor? Will you send it to me again? Can I copy it and then send it to my class?” – Mom, on this gif.

 —

“I’ve spent the last five minutes taking selfies with my cat. I think that means I’ve officially reached the point where I’ve worked so much that my brain is useless.” – Meg

 —

Kate: Is that a toilet selfie?

Mom: Yes.

Mom: Hey what’s that weird eye thing the kids all talk about?

Meg: What?

Mom: I don’t know – like a weird eye that is a conspiracy thing?

Meg: Oh, the Illuminati?

Mom: Yes!

Meg: It’s a huge conspiracy theory. It’s like an ancient group of the most powerful and famous people that secretly control everything and the eye is their symbol.

Mom: That makes no sense. The original Illuminati were Enlightenment speakers.

Meg: Mary had a student do a speech on the Illuminati, and he genuinely begged her to let him change topics because he was convinced that the Illuminati had found out about his speech and were stalking him.

Mom: Omg.

Mom: I think Carol is in the Illuminati.

“I had a dream mom and Paul got married again and Jane tried to sleep with the church’s mailman.” – Kate

 —

“Who is Fred? Why does his hair look like that?” – Mom, on another new addition to Facebook

 —

“Please write an article about him called ‘Between Shame and Embarassment.’” – Mom, on a post she saw on Facebook

 

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