That Time I Tried Tinder

As a single twentysomething living in a big city, it should go without saying that I have toyed with Tinder once or twice. But as you’ve no doubt picked up at this point, interacting with those of the opposite sex does not come naturally to me.

Come on, Kate, you’re thinking. You’re 24 now, surely your flirting skills have only matured with age. Tinder is literally the easiest platform on which you can talk to men – there’s no way you’ve screwed this up.

While I’m flattered that you’ve placed so much faith in me, I’m here to let you know that it’s very easy to screw up Tindering.

For those who are not familiar with the platform (hi, mom), it works like this: You have a profile. It has pictures, lists your interests and shows some of your Facebook friends. When you look through the other people on the app, you see only their profile picture at first. You swipe right if you’re interested – which creates a match for those who have swiped right on you – swipe left if you’re not interested, and touch the picture if you want to see the full profile before deciding. Once you’ve matched with someone, you have the option to start messaging them.

Everyone Tinders differently. Some people stick to mindless swiping while others are in it to make real connections.

I’m in it for the profiles.

I’m not a fan of simple swiping – I like to open every profile and absorb every aspect before deciding if I want to “match.” After a few months of Tindering, you start to make our own subconscious rules that dictate which kinds of profiles you instantly like or dislike.

For example, I’m going to swipe right if:

  • Your pictures pertain to “Star Wars”
  • You mention “Game of Thrones” or Chipotle
  • Your “about me” section makes me actually laugh out loud
  • You play guitar
  • You have a cat or small animal.

Conversely, I’m going to swipe left if:

  • Your “about me” section is grammatically incorrect
  • You link to your Snapchat
  • You have pictures with frat brothers
  • You’re wearing a fedora.

I’ll go ahead and clarify right now that I have never met a Tinder person in real life. However, I have come across a number of colorful personalities, some of which I’ve engaged in conversation and others that I’ve immediately blocked.

Here are some of my favorite Tinder moments.

The firestarter
There are a few things I expect on a first date: Good conversation, tasty food and a little bit of arson.

-5 points for inconsistent formatting.
-5 points for inconsistent spacing.

The calf model
I feel like this one is self-explanatory.

Of course I swiped right.
Of course I swiped right.

The daredevil
Every girl wants to date a bad boy. Luckily for me, I found him.

The owl in the background screams "dangerous."
The owl in the background screams “dangerous.”

Other “about me” sections that have gotten me to swipe right:

  • “They call me captain fun.”
  • “Martial artist. Model. Creative.”
  • “I own a shark and two sugar gliders. Just trying to have a good time.”
  • “Let’s hang if you want to pretend the floor is and/or build a pillow fort.”
  • “Just pretend I’m holding a dead fish in one of my photos.”
  •  “Gym rat. My obsessions include motorcycles, Batman, nutella, and Whitney Houston’s performance at the 1994 Grammys.”

The one that was so promising
There are two things in this world I love above all else: puns and burritos.

Naturally I was filled with glee when I came across a Tinder profile called “Burritos” that had the potential to give me both.

Veggie burgers are literally the worst.
Veggie burgers are literally the worst.

I broke my own rule of “never speak to anyone on Tinder ever” and messaged Burritos first. The conversation started out light and got a bit risque at times.


Food-related puns? May as well be a bullseye.


And then he ruined it.

That’s not even a pun.

From this moment
So there are also things called “Moments.” These are images your matches can send you that stay on your message screen for a set period of time before disappearing.

As you can imagine, some men post some odd moments.

Mmm, fastest way to a girl's heart.
Mmm, fastest way to a girl’s heart.
What an incredibly appropriate time to take a picture.
What an incredibly appropriate time to take a picture.
This guy really liked pandas.
This guy really liked pandas.
This is what courting looks like in 2015.
This is what courting looks like in 2015.

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